An acquaintance who knows I’m adopted — I’ll call her Sue — took time after one of my exercise classes last week to tell me about her boss, an adoptee who found her half-sister after doing DNA testing. Sue’s boss had flown from Connecticut to Seattle so the siblings could meet. It had been a good visit, save for the press coverage the half-sister had arranged without the permission of Sue’s boss. Reporters met her as she got off the plane to chronicle the emotional meeting.
“It made my boss uncomfortable,” Sue said, ” but she just went along with it. That’s just the sort of person she is.”
I started to explain that many adoptees are like that — afraid to speak up for themselves, eager to please and so desperate to be liked that they stuff their own feelings in favor of everyone else’s.
I didn’t get the chance, though. The conversation changed course, veering into the idiotic mythology around adoption that gets me steamed. However, like Sue’s boss, I failed to speak up.
I’m still kicking myself.
Sue left off talking about her boss to discuss when and how adoptees learn they are adopted. How difficult it must be, Sue mused, for adoptive parents to decide when to tell their child he or she is adopted.
Yes, I thought, how difficult for them.
But rather than point out that this arrangement is difficult for adoptees, too, I took a deep breath and explained that there had been a couple of different approaches to this conundrum over the years, and that both of them caused emotional pain and suffering.
The first, popular in the early part of the 20th century, was to not tell the adoptee. The thinking back then was that it was best if adoptees were raised as if born to the family. That way, the adoptee was spared the stigma of illegitimacy and her parents could hide their inability to have children (something that was very clearly expected of married couples back then). Some of these adoptees never learned they were adopted, I told Sue. Others found out later in life, by happenstance, when facing a medical crisis, or when a friend or relative spilled the beans. Most never got over the betrayal.
The thinking around adoption began to change around mid-century. Starting in the late 1950s and ’60s, social workers counseled adoptive parents to tell their child he was adopted early, often and almost always in these words (no matter what the actual circumstances were): “Your mother was unmarried and too young to keep you, but loved you so much she gave you away so you could have a better life. You are special because we chose you.”
This approach mirrored my experience. It is also one I came across over and over in interviewing adoptees for the book I’m writing about the adoptee experience. Many people told me they couldn’t remember a time when they didn’t know they were adopted.
Rather than simply short-circuit later feelings of betrayal, however, this approach caused its own set of problems. I told Sue that small children readily accepted this version, reveling in the idea that we were special. But as we adoptees matured, we realized it didn’t add up. None of us is special, nor were we actually chosen and before we were adopted, we were relinquished.
Think about what that does for a person’s self-image, I told Sue.
“Yes, yes,” she said, “but how hard it must be for adoptive parents to decide when to tell their children.”
By now, I was miffed. Here I was again facing that formidable, entrenched adoption narrative society has swallowed whole:
Adoption is a wonderful institution — fabulous for adoptive parents who so desperately want a family, a godsend for the unwed, pregnant woman; and wonderful for the child (always the child; we’re never allowed to grow up in these discussions) who most assuredly will be always grateful for this arrangement.
Fellow adoptees, it was here that I failed you. Rather than call bullshit, take Sue on and try to get her to see that there is an adoptee point of view to consider, I clammed up, packed my gear, then fumed as I drove home, beating myself up for being a doormat.
Here’s what I wished I’d told her:
We’re having the wrong conversation. Let’s stop thinking only about how adoptive parents or birth parents feel about adoption. Let’s start talking about how adoption — particularly the closed adoptions of the 20th century which hid adoptees’ original identities away — affects adoptees and shapes the way they feel about themselves.
It’s not pretty.
Here are some of the ways the 110 adoptees I’ve interviewed described how it feels to be adopted:
- Alone
- Confused
- Out of step
- Rejected
- Second class
- Abandoned
- Disconnected
- An outsider
- Insecure
- Ashamed
- Embarrassed
- Humiliated
- Guilty
- Like there is something wrong with me
- A mistake
- Alien
- Degraded
- Incomplete
- Misunderstood
- Dismissed
- Marginalized
- Hate myself
- Angry
- Depressed
These descriptions are hard to face. It’s far easier to pretend everything is wonderful.
But I, for one, am done lying to myself.
Pushing on a Rope 
Thank you! While I love all my families, adopted and biological, finding out in 5th grade you’re adopted is quite a shock. Ever do those genetic squares as a kid in class to look at eye color? Yeah, I had to tell my teacher I was adopted and she promptly told the whole class. I’m over it.
And I learned they lied to my parents… she wasn’t as teen who got pregnant… she was divorced 20 something with a 2 year old daughter.
But i should be grateful because they were probably horrible people according to others.
I found my biological mom when i was 30…i was her middle child as it turns out. I met my biological father when i was 40… he’d always wanted a son… but he didn’t know i existed until we met.
My family grew considerably…I was welcomed into 2 more families.
Excited to read your book!
Posted by Doug Riggle | April 13, 2019, 11:42 pmThanks for sharing your story!
Posted by Terri S. Vanech | April 14, 2019, 7:32 amI’m an adoptive mom with a toddler, and I’m wondering if you have suggestions on how we *should* talk to our daughter about her adoption. (Vs. the not-good ways in your post.) Thank you!
Posted by bethanyjanemeola | January 15, 2019, 9:52 pmHi Bethany: Sherrie Eldridge has some great resources for parents of adoptees. Check out her blog here: https://sherrieeldridge.com/blog/
Posted by Terri S. Vanech | January 16, 2019, 7:54 amThank you!
Posted by bethanyjanemeola | January 16, 2019, 8:17 amProud of you. Being an adoptee myself I agree completely. It’s not easy, that’s for sure. Hugs.
Posted by nannygrannie | July 1, 2018, 7:15 pmThank you! Hope you might share the piece with your network.
Posted by Terri S. Vanech | July 1, 2018, 7:25 pmI actually did on my last blog post-😀
Posted by nannygrannie | July 1, 2018, 7:31 pmThanks so much!
Posted by Terri S. Vanech | July 1, 2018, 7:42 pmthanks for sharing. as i attempt to face my feelings and emotions and consider searching for my story, i continue to feel like i have to justify why i would want to search, and what will i gain from searching. once again, i feel the need to justify my feelings and emotion which makes me think i should stuff and dismiss them. i am trying to retrain myself to face these painful emotions. trying to recognize them for what they are and that if i feel them and lean in more and more maybe they won’t cause such pain and paralyzation.
Posted by sarahstaffordfarnet | June 26, 2018, 12:51 amAdopted one, here. Thanks for sharing
Posted by Mws R | June 11, 2018, 9:22 pmThanks for reading!
Posted by Terri S. Vanech | June 11, 2018, 9:30 pmYou are welcome!
Posted by Mws R | June 11, 2018, 9:38 pmYes, 1000000 times over. Thank you for sharing this, I can most definitely relate.
Posted by Brooke | April 16, 2018, 1:35 pmThank you!
Posted by Terri S. Vanech | April 16, 2018, 1:59 pmAs usual, an insightful essay on the adoptee experience. I also received the “your-mother-loved-you-so-much” explanation verbatim from my Mom and Dad when I was very young and accepted it, even though it didn’t really make sense. I remember that I had terrible separation anxiety when I was a little kid and would be sick to my stomach when my parents went out on a Saturday night. I would worry that they wouldn’t come back. I recently began to wonder if it’s because of that story? Think about it…my birthmother gave me away because “she loved me so much”. I KNOW my Mom and Dad really loved me a lot. What if…? I must add that I have been richly blessed with a loving adoptive family and reunion with my birthmother and late birthfather’s family. But, I gotta tell ya, it’s a hell of thing to have to square up the fact that your birthmother gave you away. That’s the part that non-adoptees will never understand.
Posted by Gary Osbrey | April 15, 2018, 9:24 pmAs always you are far more eloquent than I am, Gary. Thanks for adding your thoughts.
Posted by Terri S. Vanech | April 15, 2018, 9:25 pmThank you Terri. You didn’t fail anyone. Sounds like “Sue” had her mind made up. Better to save your efforts for someone who might understand.
Posted by J-Dub | April 15, 2018, 5:45 pmI was adopted in 1950. My parents would say—from the time I was adopted at almost 4 months: “your name is pia. We’re you’re parents. We love you. You were adopted.” None of that bull shit—just the facts. Yet when I had problems they were all blamed on me being adopted by the psychologists the agency recommended. I didn’t feel great when I met my birth mother. Why should I? She obviously found me lacking—I wasn’t the narrative she wanted. Please remember that every adoption is individual—every person and family have their own story.
Pia
http://courtingdestiny.com
Posted by tani | April 15, 2018, 3:50 pmAbsolutely, Pia. Each of our stories is unique and no one else should speak for us.
Posted by Terri S. Vanech | April 15, 2018, 4:06 pmThank you for sharing this. It’s exactly how I was told about being adopted in the 1950’s. I have been in a good reunion with my full natural, family since 1979. It has helped me understand myself and my identity. Good description you outline of the difficulties for adoptees!
Posted by Delynne Rogers | April 15, 2018, 11:26 amHope you’ll share it with your network.
Posted by Terri S. Vanech | April 15, 2018, 11:27 amIt seems like adoptees live through these uncomfortable conversations way too frequently. Thank you for writing!
Posted by Samantha Franklin | April 15, 2018, 10:21 amThanks for reading!
Posted by Terri S. Vanech | April 15, 2018, 10:27 amReally well written – it certainly opened my eyes! Take care 🙋
Posted by laura | April 15, 2018, 8:48 amThanks for reading. Hope you’ll share it with your network.
Posted by Terri S. Vanech | April 15, 2018, 8:54 am