Laying it on thick

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How many condiments are taking up space in your refrigerator?

We are a veritable House of Condiments — mustards, relishes, sauces, jellies, spreads.

Basil hasn’t met a condiment he doesn’t like.

Whole genres of them need to be front and center at mealtime.

Our refrigerator door nearly groans from the weight of the many bottles and jars. (I swear I hear them shaking in their little caps every time meteorologist Bill Evans forecasts a major storm with the chance of a power outage.)

When I open the fridge, staring back at me are Heinz ketchup (natch), two kinds of mustard — including Grey Poupon, of course — pepper relish, hamburger relish, hot dog relish, two kinds of barbecue sauce, two kinds of steak sauce — A1 and Worcestershire, grape jelly, mint jelly, Hershey’s syrup, Ken’s Italian, Wishbone Italian, cocktail sauce, duck sauce, grated cheese, soy sauce and an industrial-size vat of Hellmann’s (the real deal, no low-fat alternatives).

And that’s just for starters. I won’t regale you with what’s waiting in the pantry for its chance in the spotlight.

And don’t get me talking about the butter. The TV ad featuring the fictional Buttertons? It was created for Basil.

When we were newlyweds, I took offense — really my cooking wasn’t THAT bad. But after 18 years, I’ve learned to live and let live.

I know his pancakes need butter, syrup AND jelly. That a steak requires pepper relish, steak sauce and KC Masterpiece. That lentil soup will get a douse of vinegar before it’s ever tasted, and that any pasta salad I create with a carefully corrected vinaigrette will get a good dollop of salad dressing — the orange kind.

I guess for him, variety truly IS the spice of life.  Me? I’m more about moderation. 🙂